☼ Find Me, Fix Me

I feel like such a failure.

I feel really stupid to ever think that this would all work out.

My plan was to ignore everything, everyone.

Guard my heart so no one can get through, so no one can break it.

Cut off all connections, so that good-bye comes easier.

But now that I have fallen, I have to follow through.

And it's fricken stupid that I fail once again; several times more.

I can only listen.

Stand.

Being selfish and drowning in my own problems when I should be caring or others.

Because this is irreversible.

And I can't go back to not knowing.

If I do, it'll only cause more pain.

And easily become a misunderstanding.

Because I'm never sure about where I am and what to do. Or even what I'm doing. Or what to think.

If the way I think is right.

If it's worth it to sacrifice.

I wonder if I was just trying to be selfless, and protect other people from getting hurt, but now I realize it wasn't the case.

In trying to selfless, I was actually being selfish.

But now that the fortress is breaking down, I can't not care, and feel.

But I just feel like a failure now.

I can't keep the ones close to me from being hurt.

I can't keep them from feeling pain.

I can't help at all.

I just stand there.

Wondering what just happened.

How idiotic and lame.

Not only am I unable to help, I create problems and make people worry.

I fricking hate myself.

All these flaws and failures...

incompotence...

selfishness...

apathy...

How am I still alive??

wth?

I won't lie.

Not to myself, not this time.

If you care why don't you show it?

I'm talking to myself.

If you feel so useless, why aren't you doing anything about it?

You can only stand there, with your pathetic head down, wondering how this will all end and despairing that you know nothing about what is happening around you and to the people you love.

But you're right.

You know nothing.