☼ Find Me, Fix Me

You know how sometimes you just get that sort of crappy feeling, but you don't know exactly how to describe it or why you feel that way?

It's one of those times for me, right now...

I don't know if it's stress or something I ate..

I just don't feel very well.

I feel like I'm about to get sick or something, and I feel sort of uneasy..

No, I don't think it's fear. It's more like dread, fatigue, and disillusionment.

Although my life is not a book, and I don't live in one, sometimes my world still seems to be filled with black and white.

I see connections, and some things fit like they're meant to be there.

Maybe I'm thinking too much, as I usually do.

I'm not sure of myself.

You can probably tell that I can't really think straight.

I'm trying to do this stream of consciousness thing, to see what I come up with.

Sigh.

I hate relying on others.

I hate it when I need others.

I hate it when I get that lonely feeling, like I've closed my eyes, and everything hsa disappeared.

Even if the circumstances aren't like that, I still feel horrible..

Such a lousy feeling...the feeling of helplessness.

One of the reasons I never tried starting anything before...

It would hurt too much when people aren't there.

I tried to keep distance, so that I could become numb to lonliness.

And live independently.

Many things have changed.

Some for the better.

But now, I fear that that numb feeling has gone...

The ice thawing...

And the tender, sore part exposed underneath pulses with warm red blood and is sensitive to everything...exposed for love, pain, happiness, lonliness. Vulnerable.

Weak.

You may think I'm exaggerating.

I guess I am..

Trying to make things sound poetic often comes off this way.

I confess, for me, emotional pain is physical pain.

I guess I'm at the point of almost tipping over, almost giving up.

You're the only thing that's allowing me to keep holding on.

Some of the greater things in life are unseen, that's why you close your eyes when you kiss, cry, or dream...