Past two days were snow days.
Feeling really lazy...a little undermotivated. Not good at all.
I don't know what to do.
I feel like I've done something irreversible.
Or something incredibly stupid.
I don't know. And I don't want to think.
But when I do, each time is worse.
After this period of feeling down, I know I'll be in higher spirits.
But I'm not sure how well I can handle these emotional highs and lows.
I'm not exactly bipolar, and I don't really have mood swings.
They just dissolve into each other...
Whether I feel it or not depends on how well I'm able to hide myself from my own mind.
Disastrous.
I don't know how to describe everything.
Even if I knew, it probably wouldn't be as bad as I'll say it is.
It isn't.
Hopefully.
Maybe I'm just confusing you with these words.
They're empty.
They have no substance.
Because I want to tell...I want to relieve this bad feeling...
But I can't tell. I won't tell.
But I'm sorry.
Even if this causes you to worry, I won't be able to tell you anything.
Because?
I'm not sure. I could just not say these things.
But I'm selfish.
But I'm sorry.
This just re-emphasizes those inner conflicts...those paradoxes...those things I don't want to and don't need to think about.
Yet, I do..
This means nothing.
I keep saying that.
I want to laugh at myself.
Knowing that this means and does nothing...yet continuing to do it.
Old habits die hard, they say.
I think the worst way to die would be to be locked inside a room.
Pure white walls. Pure white tiled floor.
Maybe a white toilet and a white sink.
A flap under the door where the same meal is placed every day.
No one to talk to. You can't even see yourself.
Nothing to do.
Spending eternity like that...
The worst form of torture.