☼ Find Me, Fix Me

Emotion in motion.

LHK and JYH are love <3

--I'm adding this right after I finished writing the stuff I wrote below..Looking back, the tone of this shifts a little...That's all. Hope you don't get too bored reading this. I won't blame you if you do though..

Yeah...I haven't updated in so long.

Fail.

This morning, I woke up and was trying to see if the shirt I grabbed was something that I've already worn earlier this week.

Then I realized.

Ef.

It's only Tuesday.

Why do I feel so old, when I'm not even 17 yet?

I can't even go in to a theater to watch an R-rated movie yet.

I don't even have a driver's license, nevermind a car...

Living...each day....

Less and less motivation to continue...

Every day seems to have the sole purpose of being passed by

Not living for anything, anyone,

Not even myself.

And God?

I really want to live for Him...but...

I have no excuse, really

I just want to go home

I'm tired.

Bring me back to the scorching heat in t-shirts and jeans, where the sun is so intense and drowsy, but we bustle around with excitement. Aching backs and aching necks from countless energetic children and piggy back rides, aching faces from smiling so much...aching heart to see how broken everything is...how broken we are. Yet...still being so so free.

Bring me back to that broken and beautiful desert, where lights peek out of the heavens at night like glitter on deep blue satin....those sprinklings of stars that make us feel like mere speckles of dust under the vast plains of the brilliant night sky...

Bring me back to the songs of praise, those moments of witnessing others' love for God, of serving together and bonding together and laughing together and crying togegther. Learning, and hoping, to love God as much as we humanly can.

Bring me back to the amateur fire, blazing and bright, quiet and dim, and to the fire created by so many a heart in the cold, cold outdoors. Songs of abandonment of self, lifting up ourselves to God, raw and unrefined and bare, exposing and lifting off all the stress, all the hurt, all the tears, all the pain...and casting them away to Jesus.

Bring me back to the little faces as they call out your name, as they warm your heart and you grow ever fond of those little forces of undying energy. Singing and shouting and not caring what others think and becoming a child again. A child of God like the rest.

Bring me back to that closeness...that intimacy that humans innately oh so desire..with the only One who could ever satisfy. To yearn for something again, to be unashamed of who I am though I'm ashamed of what I've done, because my identity is in Christ.

Bring me back there again

Words I say do not suffice to what I feel...if only others could see and understand...

They can't. Not fully. I seem to be more and more aware of such.

So...my reliance is on God.

I may not be perfect, I may not be beautiful. I may not even be pretty.

But Jesus thinks I'm to die for.

And that is more than enough.