☼ Find Me, Fix Me

I don't what's been happening...

All I know is that things have to get better.

Sometimes I'm tired of being silent. Sometimes I'm tired of being the dead end that people can use. Sometimes I'm tired of keeping secrets. I'm not talking about one thing. There are a few secrets that I must keep.

It's for the best.

I can take pressure. Yes, I can take it.

If it helps relieve your burden, I'll be more than happy to add it onto mine. A couple pounds here and there won't feel like much compared to what I've been carrying.

I'm not blaming anyone. I mean it with all the sincerity I can muster. If you don't think that says much, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't been better.

I feel the worst, even, when people don't put their burden on me. If I find out that they're hurting and I have been oblivous to it the entire time. I feel as if I hadn't been a good enough friend. That I haven't been trying my best to be one. That I've taken things for granted. That I haven't been good enough.

Even if it's for the best. Even if anything.

Sometimes, when I look at what's happening, I feel a little sad. the rhythm of our lives...and a sad and sorrowful tune playing in the background.

Many things have happened, it seems. Though nothing I can really see. Because I wasn't aware of it. So I didn't see.

I never feel sorry for myself. Scratch that. I have been. Those were times when after I'd say that I hate myself. Because I feel that feeling sorry for myself is selfish.

Therefore, I will never cry out of sadness for myself.

But of course there'll be water when ice melts.

But of course there'll be blood when something is alive.

Sometimes I feel so stupid, knowing that I get my energy and sense of existence from sadness.

I wasn't always like this. I haven't always seen myself as someone who's always standing outside in the middle of nowhere, outside in the pouring rain - no lightning, no thunder, just the tears falling down from the heavens - standing tattered, head down, hair in face, dying rose clutched in my hand, thorns causing black blood running down my arm and mixing with rain, tears mixing with rain. Black and white. So dramatic.

I don't see myself like that to that extreme.

More like looking at the sky expressionless.

By that, I mean looking at the world and looking at everything around me, and not knowing how to react. Sort of. I can't really explain.

I'm just looking at the sky, in an open field. I'm standing there alone, with the wind. I'll wonder if I should fly a kite, but I'll be afraid of losing the kite in the sky. That little red kite...I'll be afraid of what would happen if I accidently let go.

Or maybe someone who wants to fly through the skies with balloons tied around my arms and waist. I'll yearn to touch the skies or float among the clouds, but I'll be worried of where I'll land, instead of whether or not I'll actually ever reach the sky. So I'll ignore that desire, and stay rooted and chained invisibly and eternally because of that fear.

I'm not sure what I'm saying. Or if the metaphors even make any droplet of sense.

Although some people may feel that I'm the type of person who needs protection, I feel horrible if I'm unable to protect those close to me from feeling bad.

Maybe this is induced by the background music.

At least it isn't helping to boost my "心情."

Josh, you're last post about your dream made me laugh. Not in the mean way, though. I laughed somewhat cynically. And I hoped that if someone is really going to be lost, that that perosn would be me. You don't know how much I hoped that.

Anyways...like most posts, I ended up losing the reason why I began writing this post. I've lost my purpose for continuing it.

I'm sorry. For a lot of things.

I'm sorry if you feel bad after reading this post (don't be).

I'm sorry for asking too much.

I'm sorry saying things I shouldn't have.

I'm sorry for not being a good friend.

I'm sorry for saying so if you disagree, though I'd have to say I'm sorry again for having to disagree with you.

I'm sorry for being selfish.

I'm sorry for not being strong enough.

I'm sorry for all the things I haven't told you. And didn't tell you.

I'm sorry for pretending.

I'm sorry. So sorry.

I'm sorry, but I'm fine. I'll be fine. I've been fine, as I always have. It's the only way I remember how to feel. So it means that I've always and always will be fine, except under one condition.

If one of you are ever not fine, I won't be fine either.

But be fine because you want to be fine.

Don't worry about me. I know how "fine" feels like.

Please continue to pray for Uncle He. And not just him, but his family as well.

I will say that I know now what his rate of cancer is.

But I cannot say what that number is. But you shouldn't worry about it.

I'll pray for him every day, though. And guys, know that I'll pray for each one of you each day.

That's the only thing I can do for you.

And I can only pray that that will be enough to help, if only a little.

In every way I know how to say...

对不起。

Gomen nasai.

Mianhe.

Lo siento.

I'm sorry.

Color your world, free your heart...

In this monochrome world, I will search the depths of the earth and the limitless sky for you.