☼ Find Me, Fix Me

I am just so tired right now...

Actually...I have always been tired, but now I just feel like stopping.

I feel like I'm running through mud in iron boots up a slanting slope that has no summit...

But if I stop, I'll fall - and never get up again until I've hit the bottom...

It's not about the finals...I'm actually not worried about that..

It's just the past...

It's just the future...

And everything in my mind is a mess, a mangled mess of roads and choices and decisions and stress and pain and...and...

I feel like slipping away...everything feels better when you let go...until you hit that bottom ground

Meaningless phrases that somehow manage to sound poetic are the only ways I can come to terms witith whatever it is that is happening and whatever it is that I'm feeling.

Or if I'm feeling at all

I play games...games of the mind

I question myself

and analyze

and break myself down...

until I don't know what is what and confuse love with hate.

The problem occurs here:

I know what I should feel.

I sometimes know what I would feel.

But I never know what I do feel.

Count to three,

count back down.

It is always still the same.

Nothing changes.

Nothing is different.

But everything fleeing, falling, failing...

But perhaps this is not yet true...perhaps, maybe, somehow

there is chance to see

what there is for me here.

Now.

But if only I could tell myself

what I have in this world

But if only you would tell me,

where my place in this world stands