☼ Find Me, Fix Me

I haven't written a blog post in so long...

I'm afraid.

I'm a coward.

I'm stupid.

I'm a fool.

I'm confused.

I'm lost.

If it will be this way, then I would rather run...

Run away, so that you would have to face it.

Face it, and be happy.

Behind these walls are another set of defense.

And armour that protects me, because I am afraid of getting hurt.

I'm too cowardly to do anything.

Too afraid of the ends.

Seeing everything as a lost cause and treating it as if it had already or would definitely fail.

Humans aren't eternal.

Humans don't know how everlasting feels like yet.

All we know is that everything has an end.

And that end is something ominous. And a result I don't think I'll be able to handle.

Just say it, and I'll give up. I was never really planning on fighting anyways.

Say it, and I'll leave this suffocating circle. I'll even smile for you.

Thinking has become counterproductive for me. It has been for quite a while.

The more I think, the more confused I become.

And the more I lose my ability to simply feel.

All emotions must come through a filter called my mind.

Each feeling must be carefully analyzed. Each emotion must be controlled.

I need to learn to live without that filter.

But now, it's just too difficult. I've grown a dependence onto it...tearing it off, whether an illusion or actual, would cause these walls to tumble down.

Now, I can't tell.

I'm afraid...so afraid...

Afraid I'll regret not doing anything.

Afraid I'll do something and regret it.

So I'll just suppress it all with one deep breath.

And hope I don't get the wind knocked out of me again.

Blindly hope that this path leads in the right direction.

Living takes learning.

But sometimes it's difficult to keep stray thoughts to slip through the filter.

The trick is to catch it before it's too late.

And try to lower yourself down.

The higher you are...the closer you are....the harder you will fall....the farther you will fall.

But perhaps I'll regret not looking out the window on the journey to my destination, wherever it may be.

For now, I'll just stay the same.